Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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