This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
