um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
