and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just cropdusted the office
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
