maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
