We're facebook friends in real life
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
