the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
