No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
