My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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