whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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