Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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