My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
