i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
