after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
