I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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