You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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