tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
