So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
