He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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