I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
