shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
