If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
