I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
