Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
