Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize