who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
