So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
