your parents love me but you hate me
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
