On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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