can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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