i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
