singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
