I met the friendliest cop last night
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I cut my penus on the lid.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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