Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
