I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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