So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
