Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize