Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
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