Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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