I think I died a long time ago.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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