foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
