....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
