i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
