I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My bed smells like the plague
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