I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Randomize
