rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
