I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
