filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
