I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
