I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
