this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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