I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
