GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
