I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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