If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
