i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
