Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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