if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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