What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
