No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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